Confucius says

A beard on the chin is worth two in the bush.

It'll put hair on your chin.

What is this I hear? Genetics and hormones? Stubble, my friend, I feel you are unprepared for this match. You can not rely on your genetics. I will share with you one of my secrets. Two fingers of Irish Whiskey (won in a Yankee-swap), every morning will provide my face with the nutrients it needs to surpass your so-called genetics. It grows hair on my chin, chest and just about everywhere else.

An just in case you get any ideas, there will be random drug testing. This is not the MLB.

This is what beards.org has taught me tonight

"Basically, there is nothing that you can do to increase your beard development. Genetics and hormones are the major determinants of an individual's beard development. Unless you suffer from a hormonal imbalance, generally there is no medical treatment available to increase beard growth. If you have any doubts or concerns, you should consult a physician and possibly even an endocrinologist and dermatologist."

I feel bad for the non-Greek in this battle.

My Motivation part no. 2

Beards in olden times,
were the emblems of
wisdom and piety.

-Thomas Babington Macaulay

My Motivation part no. 1

Since I don't have a son or a wife to avenge, I will represent the no-name people who have intense beards. Honestly, I just plan on growing without regard for human life. And remember kids, Cheerios are the least beard-friendly food ever.